Your Call Is Important To Us………..

   You dial the number. The phone rings three times. A recording on the other end of the line says, “Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line.” I am going to assume for a minute that I am the only person that has had this often frustrating experience. If it were really important, why is there not a live person on the other end of the line? I know, it’s the economy and during difficult financial time, customer service takes the back seat.

   Each day we hear and maybe use a number of these meaningless phrases. Here are several of my favorites.

   “I am from the government and I am here to help!” Are you kidding me? What has government done for me to make my life easier? The intentions may be good and honorable, but the reality is a far different outcome. I like the word ‘honorable’.

    “The check is in the mail,” or it sure will be as soon as I get off the phone. To avoid a confrontation, you may have actually used this phrase yourself on occasion. It’s called a delay tactic. Given the benefit of the doubt, you may have truly forgotten to send the check. Now, race to the mailbox.

   I recently overheard this discussion in an aisle at Wal-Mart. Two people had just met and it was obvious they had not seen each other for some time. “Let’s do lunch sometime!” “Sure.” As one walked past me, I heard her mumble. “Like that’ll happen in this century!”

   One of my favorites. “The buck stops here!” The implication is that the person you may be speaking with actually has the authority to do something. Truthfully, I find it hard to believe, especially when the next response is something about having to the manager’s approval.

   These are often used as a group. “That’s a really good question. I’ll have to check into it and get back to you. Can I call you later?” Now what are you going to say to that? “No?” I don’t think so.

   The health industry is taking a great deal of criticism these days. In some cases, the criticism is unwarranted. But every once and awhile….! A quick call to the doctor and “take two aspirin and call me in the morning” may tell me someone is late for a tee time at the golf course.

   Staying with the medical theme for just a moment, I can remember taking my children to the doctor for a shot and the child being told that “this won’t hurt a bit.” Was the nurse talking about the shot or the force with which she grabbed their arm?

Love is not exempt from these meaningless phrases. “I’ll still love you in the morning if you will....!” At least one time in almost every teenage boy’s life these word may have rolled off his tongue. What was on his mind?

   So here’s the deal. You read this column and I’ll call you later to get your opinion.

Is it bigger than a bread box?

  The electric power had been out for hours. No radio or television. It was getting dark and there was nothing to do. I have an idea. Let's play 20 Questions.

   For those of us with a bit of age under our belts, the question of “being bigger than a bread box”  may bring back a memory or two. Long before computers, game boys and other electronic devices kids  use today,  many of the games kids played often required nothing more than a bit of creativity and imagination. One of those games was 20 Questions and its popularity peaked in the late 1940's and early 1950's along with a weekly quiz program on the radio, although I admit I do not remember the radio show. (I do remember a version of this game show on the television.)

   The game could be played in the living room or while traveling in the car and was quite simple. If my memory serves me correctly, one person was chosen to answer the questions. That person would choose an object, perhaps in the room where everyone was sitting,  but not reveal what it was to the others. Each would take turns asking questions, which,  in its early years could only be answered with a 'yes' or 'no.' To add a bit of a  challenge, 'maybe' soon became an acceptable answer too.

   If a 'questioner' guessed the correct answer, that person was declared the winner and became the 'answerer'. If no one guessed correctly after 20 questions, those playing were 'stumped' and the 'answerer' was declared the winner and would continue for another round. (Sounds a bit like one of those college drinking game, don't you think?)

   Lying was not allowed and in today's world, that might eliminate a number of people from participating in the game,  those folks needing to find their own games to play for entertainment.

   One of the keys to a successful game was the careful selection of questions. The person skilled in asking  the 'right ' questions had a distinct advantage over others  and I suspect many of those folks with that skill moved on to become great problem solvers in the world, maybe like attorneys and lawyers. Just kidding. Many probably became teachers.

   Over the years the game took on some changes and new forms, with a better known version played being “Animal, Vegetable, and Mineral.” Even today, classroom teachers may use this game as part of the study of science. For example...”was today's school lunch animal, vegetable or mineral?”

   Cell phones, computers and the hundreds of other electronic devices have changed the way we play, and in so doing, may be slowing changing the way we think. Today it is too easy to move off into the corner of a room, isolated from others around you and playing  Candy Crush for hours. I know there are parts of the game that allow you to challenge friends to a game or two, seeing who can get the higher score. But for the most part there may be  little actual verbal interaction with anyone else, except when mom tells you that dinner is ready..... and you have yet to finish your lunch.

   For some reason, after doing a bit of research, 20 seems to be the magical number of questions to be asked when seeking information, not just for 20 Questions, but for 'life' question  too. For example...Interested in dating the  new girl who just moved into town? There is a list of twenty questions to ask her in order to get to know her before you ask her out.

   Or perhaps you are looking for a new piece of furniture for your home. There is a list of twenty questions to ask the sales person before buying. And the most important question? Is there a lifetime guarantee that this will not fall apart?

   My favorite list..... twenty questions to ask you local candidate running for political office. And try to get those answers with just a simple ‘yes’ or 'no'.

    The game of 20 Questions may have done more than just keep us busy when the power went out. It made us use our imagination. It gave us to spend time with family or friends even if  we  did realize it. It sometimes made us laugh. But most important....it made us think, as silly as some of those questions may have seemed at times .

    So, anyone up for a game of 20 Questions? And I'll tell you right up front, the object I am thinking about is....'bigger than a bread box.'

Useless Information

   As I walked the aisle of the local grocery store, the mom who was walking ahead of me was talking to her son. She was asking him what he had learned in school today. “We learned the same things today we learned yesterday. I don't know why I have to learn learn how to spell. And besides, many of the words we learn I'll never use anyhow.” OMG!
   This could be a long year in school for this young lad. But it did cause me to pause to think about some of the things we have to learn. Being old and wise now, I understand the importance of some of the things I considered really dumb as a child. But there are  facts we learn that seem to have no value at all, useless facts.
   For example, did you know donkeys kill more people on an annual basis than the number of people who die in airplane crashes. I didn't even know donkeys could fly!
   Did you know the electric chair was invented by a dentist? Oh my! There is some information to sink your teeth into.
   For those who paid attention in science class, you may remember learning that the highest tides in the world are just over our border in Canada at the Bay of Fundy. There is a 53 ft. rise and fall daily.
   The first person to survive the fall over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel was a teacher names Annie Edison Taylor. Lets hear it for the teachers.
   Did you know the largest turtle in the world weighed just slightly over 2000 pounds.
   Words provide us with numerous useless facts. For example, the word 'desserts' spelled backwards spells stressed. Isn't that what happens when you eat too many desserts? Dreamt is the only word in the English language that ends in 'mt'.
   In China, the words for 'crisis' and 'opportunity' are the same. There must be a message there somewhere.
   The words' race car' and 'kayak' are the same whether you read them from the left or the right. For someone who is dyslexic, no problem here. Did you know the names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. Disagree? Check it out.
   The word “typewriter” is the longest word  using only the top row on a keyboard. Speaking of size, “go” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language and for those who took typing in high school, “stewardesses' is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.
   One can only wonder who has the time or the energy to research  these 'useless' facts. As I watch baseball games, or any sport for that matter, I am amused at the number of statistics that make their way into the broadcast. Who hit what pitch in what inning to win the third game in some playoff game can only be out done by a record  number of yards gained by a running back while only wearing one shoe. If not mistaken, I think he kept on running, right into the locker room.
   But now on to more serious facts. I will spend at least two weeks of my entire life waiting for the traffic lights to change. The average chocolate candy bar has eight insects' legs in it. In 1933, Mickey Mouse received 800,000 fan letters. That's almost as many as I received last year!
   Did you know the number of cars on the planet is increasing three times faster than the world population? You can bet the major car manufactures know that little tidbit. Not so useless, is it?
   Sometimes, as I think about what I may write about, its like banging my head against the wall. If I were to do that for an hour, I would burn 150 calories. What a way to lose weight.

You Know You’re Getting Older When…

        I know that age is a relative concept, relative on any given day in mind, body and spirit. I used to think that someone was old if they were fifteen years older than I was and someone was young if they were fifteen years younger and really young when they asked if the car had been invented when I was a kid. (Don’t be smart!)

          But as I find myself progressing up the age scale, there are some other signs to remind me that I am not as young as I used to be.

          I don’t race to the door anymore to go into a store. If the door doesn’t open automatically I often find a teenager offering to hold the door for me. Do I look that frail and feeble? But the thought is nice and the offer polite and genuine. (That’s a topic for another column.) What throws me is when they use the word ‘sir’. ”May I help you sir?” Sir was always relegated to my father or grandfather.

          You may realize that you are getting older when one of your best friends becomes the nightlight that lights a pathway to the bathroom in the middle of the night. That never used to be a problem. So its one less glass of water before bedtime, but that doesn’t always work either.

          I can remember when the ‘early bird special’ was an early morning sale at Porteous, not dinner served at three o’clock in the afternoon at the local ”all you can eat buffet”. Oh well, the parking lot is too full to stop now anyhow. (Anyone remember Porteous besides me?)

          I still see myself as a product of the 1960’s. What a great generation! The world was a mass of confusion, the music and literature spoke of a counter-culture and rebellion. The Beatles, Mick Jagger’s Rolling Stones and Peter, Paul and Mary were the rage in the music world. It was a generation defined by Woodstock, long hair and drug use. Interesting how some things never seem to change. Is that Mick Jagger being helped to the stage?

          The type of the mail being delivered to the house seems to have changed. What used to be advertising for travel and sports equipment has shifted to direct mail prescriptions services and senior citizen assisted living facilities. The highlight of the month is the arrival of the AARP magazine. Who will be on the cover this month? Do I look that old?

          Growing older isn’t all bad though. In fact there are some real pleasures. Grandchildren, sleeping late (after the trip to the bathroom), traveling during the ‘off season’, senior discounts and not wearing a wrist watch are just several of the rewards.

          There is a perspective about life that being older offers. Each generation feels that its problems and issues are new and unique when in reality we have been there before, just with a different twist. It is unfortunate that we can’t learn from our mistakes.

          See how much wiser I am now that I am older?

You too, could be the next 'American Picker'...

   One of my favorite shows on television is American Pickers. I don't watch is continuously nor am I addicted to it. I don't record it on my DVR, but I do watch it often, especially when I want to get caught up on what's hot in the world of 'picking and collecting' or when a need to do a reality check on prices and how much people may be willing to pay for “stuff,” maybe not in Maine though. But at least the show does give me a general idea of what items may be worth and for me, they are more entertaining that watching professional sports these days.

It has been rumored that not too long ago the show spent some time in Maine, not that we would have many folks around that fill up their tool sheds, garages or attics with rusted out cars, old gasoline tanks, early metal signs, old toys and games or antique motorcycles. The list goes on.

   But after spending many Sunday mornings at local auctions, stopping along the roadway at a yard sale or on occasion, just poking around empty an old barn, I may be wrong. There are many who just put “stuff” away somewhere in hopes that in the future it may bring a big score in dollar value and someone will offer them lots of money. And it seems that there is very little that doesn't have some value to someone. Old tobacco tins are always very popular.

   A few years ago, tucked away in the woods in a rural Piscatiquis County town (northern Maine) among the trees were many old cars, trucks and school buses, dating back to the 1940's. During the late 40's and early 50's many cars were shipped north from Boston after the war and sold to the locals as cars and other vehicles were difficult to get in rural areas. During the war much of the manufactured steel had been used to makes boats, tanks and weapons.

   Over the years though, many of the cars that were destined to live out their lives in the woods, were either restored or became props in Hollywood movies as directors learned of their existence tucked away in the Maine woods and they were quite willing to buy and ship them to California and restore them to some degree their former beauty.

   I was fortunate to be given an old sign from an early school bus which still hangs proudly in my home and is something that has more value to me as a memory and a gift than any amount of dollars someone might be willing to pay.

  In a recent episode of American Pickers, as Mike and Frank searched the contents of one of six outbuilding on an elderly man's property, the two became somewhat overwhelmed by the number of items that had been collected and saved. Not only was it like going back in history, but as Mike commented, it was “ like experiencing different times of this man's life.” Not only did it reflect different points in his living but in many cases what he had saved and collected also showed who he was as a person, what he valued and what he treasured.

   Deeper into the show it became obvious to the viewer, me that is, how difficult it was for him to give up many of his “treasures,” even if he was paid for the them.

   At the auction the other day,and one who is a people watcher, my attention was drawn to several people and by the way they were reacting, I could tell that some up the items up for sale this week had come from possible family members, perhaps a mother or father, or maybe a grandparent who had passed away. As they looked through the box of old photographs, it was obvious they were having second thought about having them sold. Would someone pay money to relive another family's life and history?

   I will never be an “American picker,” have my own television show or travel to the ends of the ends of the earth to buy a rusty 1931 Ford roadster. Maybe I should. I could make a few bucks. But, I admit that I do like to poke around every once and awhile, maybe even at the local 'dump'. But with new “No Dump Picking Allowed” signs and all these shows on television now, people just are not throwing things away like the use to.

Truth or fiction...

   It was a bright yet very cold sunny day, In January. There was a swift breeze blowing in from the north, a warning of a an impending cold night and potential  frost. I walked the the streets of the neighborhood, taking Lucky out for his last walk before evening. 

   After a few minutes it was time to return to the house and to enjoy a glass or two of wine, to warm up of course. A glass of wine, some cheese and crackers and an interesting discussion with some neighbors who had stopped by unexpectedly. 

   The discussion focused on old wives tales and how true they may have been. I mean, how many times time did your mother warn you about something....like “stepping on crack will break your mother's back”. Was she really that worried?

   I can remember my grandmother looking out the window and if the leaves on the trees were turned up, she made sure she took an umbrella. Without a doubt, it was going to rain!

   There are old wives tales about all kinds of topics. Here are just a few of my favorites.

   “If the nose itches, company is coming. If the thumb itches, it will be unwelcome company. If your left hand itches, money is coming your way. If your ears are ringing, someone is talking about you. The right ear means they are saying good things. The left ear means they are criticizing you.” No wonder there are times that it is so noisy in my head!

   “Red sky in the morning, sailor’s warning, Red sky at night, sailor’s delight.” But what's it mean if there is a re sky at noon time?

   “An apple a day keeps the doctor away. “

   Cat's have always held a special place in wives tale and folklore. For example...

   “If a black cat walks towards you, it brings good fortune, but if it walks away, it takes the good luck with it.”
   “Keep cats away from babies because they "suck the breath" out of the child.”
   “A cat on board a ship is considered to bring luck.” OK. Who takes a cat on a boat?

   I have spent years on my hands and knees looking for that lucky four leaf clover. Perhaps I would have better spent my time buying lottery tickets. The result would probably have been the same.

   This is one I had not heard before, but maybe does explain a thing or two.

   “To drop a comb while you are combing your hair is a sign of a coming disappointment.”

   And my disappointment, not having much hair to comb anymore!!

   I will often heat up a bit of milk on a cold winter night to make some hot chocolate. I can still remember my grandmother warning me to not let the milk boil over. It's bad luck.

Really?

   This is one I am not too sure about either.

“You sleep best with your head to the north and your feet to the south.”

   Truth is I can sleep regardless of which direction my head is pointing, whether it be north, south, east or west.

   Stars also seem to be a big topic for wives tales and folklore. What child has not been told that... “all wishes on shooting stars come true.” I'm, still waiting! Or, “star light, star bright. first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight.”

Unfortunately, it didn't work for me last night. Maybe for a wish to come true it needs to be both the first star and a shooting star. And the chances of that happening?

   It was time for another glass of wine and that was a 'wish' I could make come true. My hope was that when I got back from pouring myself another glass the discussion would have changed... and it did. But now everyone was talking about the Patriots and Tom Brady. I wonder if Tom has any old wives tales he would like to share? 

The cold within

   Every once and a while a book, article or poem crosses my path and attracts my attention. What I have come to appreciate since becoming part of a journalistic world is how difficult it sometimes can be to put thoughts down on paper and have them make sense to the reader. I know what I want to say, but the challenge becomes selecting the words so others understand my thoughts. It is easy to come up with words. Our vocabulary has too many of them. It is more difficult to choose the ones that express the emotion and passion I wish to share.

   I have come to admire those writers who make the art of writing seem so effortless. Whether it is a news story or one of these crazy columns, it has sharpened my writing skills and given me a new understanding of how difficult it can be to express oneself in written words.

   I am always on the lookout for something that causes me to pause, ponder the message and challenge my thinking. It is somewhat of an test for my personal grounding and values.

   Several years ago I came across a poem. I had all but forgotten about it until I found packed away in a folder with some meaningless piece of paper as I cleaned and straighten up the garage. So much for my appreciation of literature, right?

   As I read it again for the first time in many years, I was struck by its message, simple, yet a revelation about people and human behavior. A cold chill ran up and down my spine ,along with that “aha” moment, as I thought about the sticks of wood that I often hold in my hand.

   I do not remember how the poem came into my possession or anything about the writer other than his name. I believe I was told it was written by a high school student. Whether that is true or not, I don't know. But regardless of his age, the message is insightful and packed with some powerful life lessons.

   So for your reading pleasure..............

                                      The Cold Within

Six humans trapped by happenstance, in bleak and bitter cold,

Each one possessed a stick of wood, or so the story's told.

Their dying fire in need of logs, the first man held his back,

For of the faces 'round the fire, he noticed one was black.

The next man looking cross the way, saw one not from his church,

And couldn't bring himself to give the fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes, he gave his coat a hitch,

Why should his log be put to use to warm the idle rich.

The rich man just sat back and thought of the wealth he had in store,

And how to keep what he had earned from lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man's face bespoke revenge as the fire passed from sight,

For all he saw in his stick of wood was a chance to spite the white.

The last man of this forlorn group did naught except for gain,

Giving only to those who gave was how he played the game.

Their logs held tight in death's still hand was proof of human sin,

They didn't die from the cold outside, they died from the the cold within.

                                                                Jay Patrick Kinney